Not in the best of moods at the moment. I'm going to move this Friday/Saturday, whether or not I get the results from the g.e.d. test. It's my decision, and I will stick with it. I don't like living here, I don't really want to live here any longer either. But...I don't want to move, here I feel safe, as contradictory that is to everything else I feel living here, but I don't want to leave. I hate change, I resist it as much as I can. And...I hate being alone. Soon, I'm going to be alone, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I know I will have all of you guys and all of my friends of Last Chaos, but that doesn't help me in real life. I feel that when I move out, my family will have gotten rid of a burden, because that's how they see me...as a burden. Something to get rid of when they don't want me around anymore, or when I am not useful anymore. I ran out of fuel for that topic awhile ago though. I vented to a friend, and they tried to help me out some, though with only advice, considering I'm being dumped out to someone else with almost nothing. Maybe one day when my thoughts are a bit clearer I will tell you all. Plus...that's not what's on my mind right now.

See...as most of you know, I had a boyfriend. And as you know he broke up with me. But...the way he broke up with me, over msn while I was sleeping...I can't get closure from that. I still...care for him, I miss him, and I know I shouldn't. Thinking about what we both did, how we both acted and were...I know it wouldn't have lasted. I know that. I was scared he would leave, I agreed with everything he said, did everything he liked. I shouldn't have. I know that. He always flirted with other females, when he thought I wasn't paying attention, and wanted me to do things I wasn't comfortable with. He was moving the relationship beyond my comfort zone...and I let him. I didn't say anything about how I wanted it to go slower, not until...I think it was a few weeks before he broke up with me. After I told him I wished we could go slower...he started to make excuses...I never saw him...hardly at all. Then he broke up with me, didn't talk with me about it, didn't give me a real reason except "I think we are moving too fast, lets just be friends," nothing. When I was able to talk to him about it later, he said hardly anything...just something about us being friends, and hasn't talked to me again. I know there's nothing I can do about it. I know I can't talk to him again, he wouldn't respond to me if I tried. But...I just want to know why, he had no problems with "moving too fast" before I said something. I just want to know the why, the reason, why he doesn't want anything to do with me. *laughs* I guess I'm hopeless. It's stupid, I shouldn't even feel this way...I should let go, and let it be. He was just another ass hole...but I can't. I hate that. Doesn't matter anymore though I suppose.

I'll make sure to make one last post before I move, just to say one last good-bye.

As always,
Melissa C.